Thursday 13

13 great moments in Monty Python ...

1. “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!”

2. “Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?”

3. “NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.”

4. “Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.”

5. “Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster.”

6. “STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG: What?!
LORETTA: It's my right as a man.
JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
REG: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG: But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.
REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!”

7. “Tim the Enchanter: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.”

8.

Catholic Dad (singing): Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Catholic Daughter (singing): Let the heathens spill theirs,
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay,
For each sperm that can't be found.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
Every Sperm is Sacred - song

9. “BBC Announcer: We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.”

10. “First Bruce: We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.”

11.

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am."

12.

Customer: This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!
Professional Arguer: No, it isn't!
Customer: Yes it is!
Professional Arguer: No, no, no!
Customer: It is!
Professional Arguer: No, it isn't!
Customer: Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!
Professional Arguer: Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!
Customer: Yes, but it's not just saying "No it isn't!"
Professional Arguer: Yes, it is!
Customer: No, it isn't!

13. King Arthur: Run away!